Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Oh no, I am babbling....

Every now and then I need to stop.  Stress and energy levels get higher and crash, respectively.  Sometimes during our travels, we park it for a while.  We may move a lot for three to five months, then we just sit for a few months.
We just spent a wonderful seven weeks at my mother's.  Now we are at a camp doing volunteer work.   We have been here for a while and are truly enjoying it.  I am getting us on a daily schedule, some kind of routine.  Since I got pregnant in Sept 08, and then had sweet pea in May of 09, our life has been at quite a state of chaos.  Well, I mean managed chaos.  Now, it is time to get back to it.  So I got out the tag board and made a schedule and calendar.  I prayed and asked the Lord what His priorities are for our lives right now and what I need to set aside.
Of course, some things I want to do I am not and other things I did not feel like doing are getting done.  One such thing is counseling.  I am going to share a secret with you.  I know you won't tell anyone, right?  I was raped when I was in the military.  It was a pretty bad deal and one I have just kind of put out of my mind.  When we came back to Missouri this time, I decided I was going to apply for health benefits.  That way if we ever lost our insurance, I could get basic care at the VA hospitals.  When I went in for my first appointment, they asked me a ton of questions.  After giving my answers, they told me I needed to see a counselor.  I really wasn't sure if this was the time of my life I wanted to deal with it.  I am so busy, I can't imagine having to relive and think through all of these deep, dark topics.  I have all of the kids and hubby to love and care for.  I just really wasn't sure this was the right time to get into this.  But, I went one time.  She is a super lady.  I really liked her right away.  I could tell she was smart and really cared.  I know she is a christian, so that made me feel better also.
We began talking about the subject of my rape and she helped me to realize that it doesn't matter what I did or didn't do, no one deserves for that to happen to them.  It really helped me start to release some of the guilt and shame.  I have to keep telling myself that and encouraging myself that it wasn't my fault.  I don't want to get too deep into all of that.  My point is, I am going to stick it out for a while.  I am going to see her consistantly until I feel she has helped me enough.
I had another appointment with her today.  I told her about my trip up to Lake of the Ozarks.  The kids and I drove Cody to a camp this past weekend.  Shae stayed at the camper and worked.  We were gone five days, which is the longest I have been away from hubby in years!  After a long day of driving and errands in Springfield, we got to Lake of the Ozarks.  I was on a road that was two lanes, narrowing down to one lane.  I began to pass the man in front of me.  I was driving much faster than him and wanted to get in front before it changed to the one lane.  The lane began to merge into one and he would not hang back at all to let me in!  I know he saw me, he was just being a jerk.  I would have put on my breaks, but then the van would have slammed the kids around.  It really wasn't a big deal and I just kept going.  When I got to the stop light, that same man and woman drove up to me at the stop light.  He hung out his window and began screaming at me, swearing, and making all sort of gestures!  I tried not to look at him.  After he was done yelling, he squeeled ahead, ran the red light, and kept going!  The people in the car in front of me turned around and were watching him.  He was a psycho!  I began to go when the light turned green, but I did not take my eyes off of that car.  I made sure there was a huge distance between us.  I then pulled into a outdoor mall parking lot, hoping that awful man would drive far away.
The kids couldn't believe that guy!  I was stunned, too.  I tried to shake it off and get to camp.  It was later that night when I began to get afraid and then again later that week I was scared he would track me down.  The counselor showed me how some of my fears were misplaced and some were valid. 


Meanwhile, we worked our tales off at camp, washing the walls and scrubbing sludge off of the floor of the huge dining hall.  Even Gabriel and Josie helped.  Hanna worked really hard and Naomi also.  We actually got a lot done in between driving back and forth to Cody's camp, swimming, putt putt golf, eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and hanging in the motel room. 






I sure was ready to get home on Sunday.  It  had been a long weekend.  I don't think I will do a volunteer job with out Shae and Cody.  It was hard on the rest of us, but still good.

3 comments:

  1. That had to be hard to share! I was raped in college and always felt fearfull over little things that made no sense. I have come to terms with it and the fears abated in time. I wish you well in dealing with this! I am so glad you got away from the psycho driver! There are a ton of them here in the DC area....I have learned to be only mildly aggressive...just enough to keep up with traffic and avoid the crazies! I try to stick to side roads, but the crazies are there too! Oh well, I think God is just testing me on patience and turning the other cheek! :)Glad you are back with hubby! Went 2 weeks without mine this past spring and it was awful without him!

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  2. I always wondered why I have crazy fears that make no sense. It happend to me right out of high school. Very few people know about it.

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  3. No one knows about what I have gone through, just my husband. I started going to an amazing counselor. It was a hard decision to go to her. I just don't feel like I have time or really want to deal with it right now, but I decided it would be best for me and my family if I tried to see what in my life and the daily choices I make that stem from that time of my life. It is surprising how much is effected by it. I started a blog about it, but have not added a lot yet. I think women can really be helped by what I am learning from the counselor. It is www.militarysexualtrama.blogspot.com
    I hope to be adding some posts about what the counselor has told me. I think it may help you, too. I'm sorry you went through such a horrible ordeal. I hope maybe I can help.
    Sheri

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