Sometimes I don't think I can do this anymore....

I about lost it.  Sometimes I don't think I can live in a camper anymore.  I don't have these days very often.  Just every now and then.  If I can get through those moments, hours, or days, I will be fine.  Endurance....it is very hard sometimes.

It has been two years on the road now.  Traveling has been wonderful, yet I miss having a home sometimes. 

Trying to get all of our stuff, for eight people, and live in a 8'X42' box is so hard.  I have been working at it for over two years, from when we bought our camper.  About two weeks ago, I walked into our back room and said, "I give up, it is impossible. Eight people cannot live in 42'.  So, it can be messy, cluttered, and some things can break, and I'm ok with that."  I can't fix it.  I try and try.  I purchase different storage shelves, change things around, pack up some items while purchasing others all in an effort to make our life better in this home on wheels.  I finally realized that no matter what I do, I cannot do it!  It is actually a good place to be, in my heart that is.  I spend too much time trying to live in an impossible situation. 

I have found that in my moments of greatest weakness, God moves the most.  When I am trying to fix, change, manage, and do, I tend to fail at some level if not all levels.  Am I saying that I don't have to do anything?  God will sort my laundry and change diapers?  No, I am talking about my striving and having no peace in the midst of such abundant blessings.  Yes, I am preaching to myself right now.  It is so easy to get caught up in the here and now, the immediate need of the moment and lose the eternal value of the day.

My one year old tried to go in the back room two days ago.  He couldn't even walk because of all the "stuff".  It is all really wonderful "stuff" mind you, but still too much of it!  If we had a house, it wouldn't be much at all.  In a camper, not much is a whole lot of "stuff".  I lost it.  That is it!  Walmart was my destination and nothing would stop me.  I bravely jumped in the van with my 17 year old son and 1 year old son.  Everyone could sense that mama had reached the end.  I bought a bunch of plastic containers of all sizes, crammed them in the van and headed back, after paying of course.

Everyone had to sort, again, and try to take out as much as possible.  One of the main reasons we sold our home and gave away or sold most of what we owned was so we would not be so bound to material things.  Yet, here we are, once again, spending all of our time maintaining our "stuff". 

NO MORE!

I have to admit, it was not easy.  It was like I was packing away some of my dreams.  I thought that I would have more time to paint, draw, craft, sew, cook, etc, with my kids.  I brought lots of projects I had hoped to finally get done, thinking I would have more time.  This is not the case.  So, as quickly as possible, I passed the boxes to Cody, who crammed them in the van.  It was a lot of hard work for everyone, and sad in some respects. 

I know, though. all those things are just things.  I want to see my kids hike mountains, kayak rivers, meet amazing people, learn the history of this wonderful country. 

We will do those projects some day...or not....

But, I do know that I am ok...my kids are ok....and the earth will still revolve with out all of our "stuff".